


The Unthinkable

by friendoftheearth



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Heartbreak, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 20:30:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6344074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendoftheearth/pseuds/friendoftheearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. The unthinkable happens.<br/>Written in 2013</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unthinkable

The Unthinkable

Part 1

The day had started much like any other, with no hint of the nightmare that was to come.

Aaron had been the first to wake, he always was. Then he'd set about waking me, kissing and caressing me awake, gently but expertly arousing me. Sex. It's a great way to start the day. Apart from the cardiovascular workout, it always puts us in a good mood, the best kind of mood. A ready-to-face-anything mood, or so I'd thought, so I'd liked to believe. All was right in my world, we were together and in love, and I truly believed that nothing could ever change the happiness we'd found, not anything.

When we'd finally got out of bed, we'd showered together, then sat down to tea, toast and cereal... sex does wonders for the appetite.

We'd gone our separate ways then, me off in my van, Aaron slipping and sliding the few feet to the garage. We've been living at Dale Head for the past few months and although Aaron often bemoans living on both Cain and work's doorstep, he doesn't complain about the close proximity when the weather's bad like it was this morning. Hailstones the size of marbles had been falling from a leaden sky, heavy snow was forecast, and was already falling in some places. The weathermen had been issuing warnings to road users. Aaron had been worried about me, had told me to drive carefully, to keep an eye on the weather, and if it looked to be turning as nasty as was expected, then I was to finish early and come home. I'd been warmed by the show of concern and promised him I would.

I hadn't thought about telling Aaron to be careful, to look after himself, I hadn't thought there was any need. Maybe if I had, the accident wouldn't have happened, maybe if I had, Aaron wouldn't have been left fighting for his life...

The main roads had all been gritted, I'd had no problems getting to my latest job, it was a barn conversion on the other side of Hotton. I'm expecting to make a healthy profit on this particular job, but then I've more than earned it working in this weather. It's been so bloody cold these last few weeks that I've started to wear the thermal underwear my mother sent me. She'd sent Aaron a matching pair... his face had been a picture of disbelief on seeing the grey Long Johns, and so far, although freezing his bits off at the garage, he's been 'too cool' to wear her gift! Well, I'd rather be uncool than cold.

I worked through lunch, stopping only to phone Aaron, to ask how his day was going. He hadn't answered his phone. I had told myself he was busy, that he'd ring me back when he could. The idea that something had happened to him hadn't entered my head. As far as I was concerned, he was working at the garage, maybe even sipping on tea in the cafe or raiding the fridge at home. I believed him to be safe. But, shouldn't I have known he wasn't? Shouldn't I have sensed something was wrong? Shouldn't some sixth sense have told me he needed me, that he needed me desperately?

It was sometime after two when my mobile rang. I'd been in the middle of something and wasn't able to answer it, nor the second time it rang. I didn't even have chance to check the number before it was ringing again. On finally answering it, I heard Cain's voice. Cain's as hard as nails and I always think of him as unflappable but he sounded frantic, his voice thick with emotion, his news hitting me like a thunderbolt, leaving me shaking, my stomach turning.

I got in the van and drove like a man possessed to the hospital, careering through corridors and crashing through doors in my haste to get to Aaron. But my mad dash had all been in vain, they wouldn't let me see him.

How long we waited there, I don't know, I just know the waiting had been agony. Paddy and Chas had been going out of their minds with worry just like I was.

All Cain could tell me was that Aaron had been called out to an accident, that the breakdown truck had been found upside-down in a ditch, and that Aaron had needed cutting out of the vehicle. What the hell had happened? I tried not to think about it, but sitting in that waiting room, I had little else to occupy my mind. I couldn't bear the thought of him being trapped, of being in pain… of being all alone.

Finally, the waiting room door had opened and a grim-faced doctor had walked into the room. Aaron was alive but his condition was deemed critical. Multiple injuries, amongst them numerous fractures and one in particular giving them great cause for concern. He was being readied for surgery, life-saving surgery.

We were allowed a couple of minutes with him, but what good are minutes when you have so much to say. I told him I loved him, just how much I loved him and that I'd be there when he opened his eyes. Did he hear me? I don't know, but I want to believe he did. Leaving him was the hardest part, I didn't want to let go of his hand… I didn't want to take my eyes off him… I just wanted to hold him, keep him close. But I had to walk away and leave him in the care of strangers.

More waiting, more hoping, more praying to a God I only believe in when things get tough. It helps, it's a crutch to lean on, a strength to cling to when all you feel is helpless, when things are out of your control.

I was vaguely aware of people coming and going, of tears and hushed conversations, of cups of tea and hot chocolate being pressed into my hand. I was functioning on autopilot, my mind, my thoughts were with Aaron, willing him to fight, to come back to me.

It was hours before we saw him again, and along with relief, there was fresh anxiety.

We were told what to expect, the machines, the wires, the drips... the metal scaffolding screwed into Aaron's skull, that it was called a halo brace, and that it was there to stabilize the fractured vertebrae in his neck...

His neck's broken, he's lucky to be alive, it's instant death in many cases... a catastrophic injury the doctor called it, one that will probably leave him paralysed from the neck down!

I keep telling myself he won't be, that he'll be up and on his feet before we know it, that he'll have the doctors eating their words.

But what if he's not? What if… what if the unthinkable becomes a reality, what then?

How do I tell him? How do I help him? Where will the strength come from, where will I find the courage to face what lies ahead?  
/

It's been just over a month since the accident, one very long, heart-wrenching month. The weeks have been filled with worry, dread, anger, fear... with just about every negative emotion known to man. Aaron's been making everyone's life hell. Walk into his hospital room and you are either met by a stony silence or a torrent of abuse. It all depends on how bad his mood is at the time. He's determined to push his family and anyone else who cares about him away, me especially. He's even tried to stop us all from visiting, but that particular request has fallen on deaf ears, the medical staff choosing to ignore it. They know he needs us and keep assuring us that he will realise and accept that in time.

The fact we know what he's doing and why he's doing it doesn't make it any easier. I'm left bone-weary and heartsick by it all, I'm terrified I won't get through to him, that I'll lose him.

Aaron's been giving the nursing staff a load of grief too, I feel bad about that and I keep apologising for his behaviour, it's inexcusable… or is it? Doesn't he have a right to hate the world and everything in it considering what's happened to him? I think I would, too, if my life had been changed so dramatically, if I suddenly found myself helpless and totally dependent on others. I'd be as angry and as bitter as he is right now, I'd be lashing out verbally at anyone who got within a mile of me!

The staff at the Spinal Injury Unit simply ignore his outbursts, take it all in their stride, they say they've seen and heard it all before. They've recommended counselling, not just for Aaron but for everyone close to him. No one that knows him is surprised that he's refused such help, that's him to a T! We've all been somewhat reluctant, but in the end there's nothing we wouldn't do, not if it helps him in some way.

I had my first session the other day. I can't say it helped me any. The future is still a very scary place, and my head, my emotions remain in turmoil. Like Aaron, I suppose I need time to adjust, but I'm impatient, I want to get through to him now. I want to be what he needs, I want to be his rock, I want to be the one he turns to, the one he lets in… I just want to be a part of his world, the most important thing in his world, just like I was before the accident. Selfish, I know, this is not about me it's about him, but I don't think there can be a me without him, not anymore.

Everything changed that day, everything except the way I feel about him, I still love him, I love him so very much. I know he loves me and he thinks that by pushing me away he's doing the right thing by me, that's he's sparing me some grief. Well, he's not, he's just hurting me. We're soul mates, me and him, we're meant to be together no matter what, I've got to cling on tightly to him until he admits to that. But knowing just how stubborn he is, I'm scared that time will never come.

I thought telling him he was paralysed would be the hardest thing I've ever done, and it was awful at the time, but dealing with the aftermath is proving so much harder. The conversation still haunts me though, it replays over and over in my head. My mind's eye tortures me with heart-breaking images… his tears, drop after drop of anguish-fuelled moisture had trickled endlessly down his face. Silently at first, but as the truth sliced mercilessly through his defences, he began to sob, his breath catching in his throat, hitching painfully as he was overcome by despair.

The memory has me wipe away a tear, and I tell myself not to dwell on it, it's too painful. I sip on my tea, realise it's gone cold while I've been so lost in thought. I can't be arsed making another one, the efforts too much right now, it's taking me all my time to force down a slice of toast. My appetite has all but gone out the window, but I know I can't work or be there for Aaron on a diet of fresh air. I need something inside my belly, some nourishment, something to help keep me going through a busy day.

I used to love breakfast time, me and Aaron chatting across the table, making the most of the time we had together before going to work. Now, I look at his empty chair and I feel so lost, so very lonely. I try not to, but I always think back to that last morning, to our lovemaking, to our play-fight over who got the last of the cornflakes. I miss him, I miss what we had. I miss his warmth at night, the feel of his flesh against mine, I miss the intimacy… I can live without that but not without him. I want him home, I want him here with me. I want to make his life as happy and as fulfilled as it can possibly be. We can be happy me and him, I know we can.

The counsellor says it will probably take a couple of years before Aaron accepts and adjusts to his disability. I've got my mind set on reaching that milestone, other people have proved it's possible, I want Aaron to believe that it is too, that we still have a future together.

/

It's been one of those days, one where everything that can possibly go wrong has gone wrong. I've had problem after problem and the kitchen I've been waiting to fit hasn't arrived. My client's been on the phone giving me a hard time about it, I wouldn't mind if it was my fault but it's not, it's out of my hands. There was a time when I'd have kept my mouth shut, let the aggrieved party rant, but not today. Between everything, I'm stressed out and my temper is on a very short fuse… that being the case, I ranted on back at him!

My phone started to ring just seconds after I'd ended the call, I thought it was him again and was ready for round 2, but it was Chas, her voice both loud and emotional in my ear. She rings me at least once a day to talk about Aaron. As usual, he wants nothing to do with her, has spat the usual helping of spite in her direction. He's apparently in a fouler mood than ever today and she wanted to warn me. It's what I've come to expect from him now, but my heart sinks on hearing her detail his latest tantrum. If I'm honest, they're really beginning to wear me down, I'm finding it harder and harder to stay calm, to try and reason with him and I'm worried I'll explode in his face… that would only make things worse.

I decide to call it a day and head home, showering and changing, then calling in on Paddy on my way over to the hospital. He's visibly aged this last month, and I worry about him, I don't think he's coping as well as he'd like us all to think he is. He's brooding over something, I don't know what, and he won't admit to anything, so what can I do? I can only hope he finds some peace of mind soon.

I call in at the hospital shop, get Aaron a few essentials. I pick out a box of chocolates too, but they're not for him, they're for the nurses. Something sweet to help counteract the sour comments they've no doubt endured from Aaron all day. They jokingly tell me to don some armour before going into his room, that I'm going to need it. I manage a small smile but, inside, I'm crying, I'm at a low ebb emotionally and just don't think I can face a verbal onslaught tonight. I want my best friend back.

It starts as soon as I walk through the door. He wants to know why I'm here, tells me he doesn't want me here. I ignore him, set about putting the things I've just bought him away. That done, I talk over him, tell him I've seen Paddy, that he'll be in to see him tomorrow. It only adds to his anger and his voice soars as he tells me to get out and not come back.

How many times have I heard that now? How many times have I ignored it and stayed put? Countless times… but not this time. This time something snaps inside of me and I stride up to his bed, get in his face and yell back at him, delivering some painful home truths before turning on my heels and walking from the room.

I feel sick inside and I'm shaking but there's also a sense of relief flowing through my veins. I've let off some steam, eased the pressure that's been steadily building.

I leave the hospital and make for Bar West, in need of some sort of normality, in need of a drink… and in need of the right kind of company.

My luck's in. Just ten minutes after walking through the door, some bloke's started chatting to me. I'm enjoying the attention, lapping it up. I tell myself Aaron might not want me but someone does.

Gareth's a little older than me, dark-haired, green-eyed… he's hot! He's easy to talk to, and he's made me laugh umpteen times in the past hour and I haven't laughed in a long time. He tells me he's on a business trip, in Yorkshire for one night only and that he's out for some fun, some action… and that's all I need to know about him. When he suggests going back to his hotel, I readily agree, it's what I want, or so I think, until we get there.

As the door closes behind us, I feel the first pang of unease. As he reaches for me, I tense. When he kisses me, I'm unable to respond, and his touch just leaves me cold. I pull away, tell him I can't, that I have to leave. He tries to stop me, gentle persuasion soon turning to anger when he realises he's not getting what he wants from me. But he's not as disappointed in me as I am, I hate myself right now.

How could I do that? How could I betray Aaron that way? How could I come so close to doing the unthinkable?

I head back to the hospital, ready to do battle, ready to win the war. As I walk through the door, I sense a change in the atmosphere, Aaron looks surprised to see me, surprised and relieved. The redness around his eyes tells me he's been crying. I quickly realise why, he thought he'd succeeded in pushing me away, he thought we were over.

I watch a fresh crop of tears form and then fall from his blue eyes… and this time he lets me wipe them away.

/

I've just been watching the sun come up, was momentarily lost in the beauty of a brand new day. The tranquillity, the sense of peace all too fleeting, the heaviness in my chest has returned along with a feeling of great sadness and unease. I still have so many doubts, I still question his decision, but I've realised there is no hope of changing his mind, and God knows I've tried! I've reasoned with him, cajoled him, bargained and even bullied him. I've pleaded endlessly. I've even got down on my knees and begged him to look inside himself and somehow find the strength he needs to go on. But no, his mantra... "I've tried but I just can't do it anymore."

Those words drip with utter despair and so I haven't been able to ignore them, I haven't been able to push them to one side, I've had to face them, address them, accept them.

The last eighteen months haven't been all bad. Yes, there have been devastating lows but we've also had a great many highs. Times when we've laughed, when we've had fun, and times when just being together was enough, when nothing else mattered, when the world around us didn't exist, when for a little while Aaron actual forgot his disability. But the lows have proved too many, too often, too overwhelming.

For a while though, I thought we were getting there, that we were on course for reaching that milestone the counsellor talked about. But I think I was just seeing what I wanted to see and ignoring what I didn't. But who could blame me?

To be fair to Aaron, he has tried to cope, to adjust, to accept his life as it now is and he's tried to do all that for me, because I asked him to, because he loves me. I suppose deep down I always knew I was asking the impossible. Knowing the old Aaron, knowing how very proud, how independent and so very private a man he is, how could I have ever expected him to endure a life so dependent on others. I don't think it's something I could have done, something tells me I would have fallen at the very first hurdle.

He's battled on bravely all this time. He's had counselling, attended twice-weekly sessions for months on end, he's had almost daily physio too, in fact he's participated in anything the doctors have deemed necessary. Such compliance didn't happen overnight though, it took some time, some encouragement, but in the end he went with all offered him.

I tried so very hard to keep him positive, to keep him from falling into a depression, but the black moods seemed to come out of nowhere, striking without warning. It's like the light goes out of his world at such times, he just wants to lie in bed, he doesn't want to eat, he doesn't want to see anyone. Those were nightmare times and we all feared he was giving up, but slowly he'd surface from the gloom, from the despondency, and things would go well for a little while. Things would be good and we'd do things, normal things, like go watch a footy match, to the cinema to watch the latest blockbuster. We'd go on day trips, take long weekends away. I tried to make those times as mentally stimulating as possible. I let my imagination feed off his interests and we got up to all sorts of wild and exhilarating things. He enjoyed those times, even if he did experience them all from the confines of his wheelchair. But I have to accept that there was a downside to them too, that there always followed an anti-climax, that they always ended up deepening his longing for his old life, for the physical freedom he had before the accident. I've had to accept the painful truth that all my efforts just haven't been enough, and never will be.

Aaron never really got over the last low, after the last wave of depression. Everyone else thinks he has, he's put on a convincing act, one that only I can see through. Chas and Paddy have both been able to breathe a sigh of relief... if only they knew the truth. If only they knew that he wants the endless nightmare over with, that he wants it all to end... that he wants me to let him go, and the biggest ask of all... that he wants me to help him leave us. Only he won't be leaving me behind. I can't live without him, I don't want to live without him... and I won't.

That's actually been a lot easier a decision to make than the one to help him end his life. I have no doubts about taking that so very final step. I do have a few regrets though. Regrets about the pain it will cause my mum, those who love me. I think they'll understand eventually though, they know what Aaron means to me, how I've devoted my life to him and they'll realise how impossible it would be to go on without him.

He's awake, I can hear him calling my name, he's eager to get up, to get on with things, to set his well-thought-out plans in motion…

/

Showered, shaved, dressed in something I've recently bought him, he's all set to say his goodbyes, but not in such a way that will be recognised, not until it's too late, not until after he's gone. We chat with Cain at the garage, have tea with Adam over at the cafe. They've seen him in this reflective, sentimental kind of mood before so they're not at all suspicious. I'm worried Chas and Paddy will be, though, that they'll guess, will sense something's wrong. Paddy, especially, is tuned to Aaron's wavelength. I know when the accident first happened, he was terrified of his reaction to his injury, was scared he'd want out, just like he'd wanted out the last time he was made to face another life-changing realisation.

Thankfully, lunch at the pub goes as planned, so does our evening at The Smithy. We arrived unannounced and stayed for tea, the cottage was always home to him, and Paddy always the father he wanted and needed. I slip off to the shop after we've eaten, give them some time alone together. Then it's back to ours, to our time together.

Dusk is falling, drawing to an end what has been a good day. I don't want it to end, I want it to go on forever, but there's no delaying what I know is the inevitable.

We talk for a while, get down to the nitty-gritty, he makes it sound so business like, goes over and over things with me, making sure I know what's to happen, what to do and what not to do.

Then he yawns, he's had a long and busy day and is exhausted. He asks me to help him to bed. My heart lurches in my chest; this is the beginning of the end.

Another shower, one I deliberately linger over, taking comfort from the closeness, from the intimacy. All too soon, I'm picking out some nightwear, hoisting him to bed... he's ready for sleep... a sleep he's not going to wake from.

One mug of tea, two straws, it had become our nightly romantic ritual. I can't believe we're doing it for the very last time.

A silence has fallen between us, for a little while we can only stare at each other, into each other's eyes. My eyes eventually stray to his lips, lips I've gently pleased and wantonly plundered, lips that have taken me to the heights of passion and so very tenderly loved me. We kiss, slowly, deeply, sharing more of ourselves, more than words can ever say. But then from those same lips come the words I don't want to hear... he tells me it's time for us to say goodbye.

/

The glass now empty, drained of the very last poisonous drop, I get into bed beside him. I pull Aaron into my arms; his head rests against mine, his breath is warm on my face. He's calm and at peace with what he's just done and, unbelievably, so am I.

Aaron's not a man of words but, suddenly, they're tripping effortlessly off his tongue. He's opening his heart to me like he's never done before. I'm left in no doubt of his love for me, or of his gratitude. Then he starts telling me what he knows I don't want to hear, what I've refused to listen to before. There's no escaping it this time, so I let his pleas wash over me, letting him think I will move on, that I will find someone else, that I will fall in love again... and that I'll never forget him.

Aaron doesn't know about my decision, I've kept it from him and I have no qualms about that. I know he wouldn't understand, that he wouldn't accept it was what was best for me. I know it would have put a stop to his plans, but it would also have come between us in time, he would have come to resent me.

He's becoming drowsy, I can't hold back my tears any longer, my strength deserts me and they start trickling silently down my cheeks... just like his did when his world was taken from him. Time now for me to open my heart...

His blue eyes drift shut, his breathing slows, becomes shallower. I know he can still hear me, so I tell him again how much I love him, I want those three little words to be the last words he hears before...

His last breath comes in a gentle sigh… the anguish, the mental torture for him now over.

I feel my heart break, the crushing pain spreading through me, consuming me and for a little while I'm aware of nothing else.

Slowly, I gain some control, the tears stop falling, and in the ensuing silence, I hear the ticking of a clock. It serves as a reminder of what I have to do, what I'm now desperate to do. It's the early hours of the morning and I want this last chapter in my life over before dawn, before the start of another day.

Letting go of Aaron proves almost impossible, but I do so because I know I'll soon be holding him again. I fuss over him; make him 'comfortable', ignoring the coldness of his skin, the pallor in his cheeks. I talk to him like he's still here, like he's still with me.

Then it's on with the practical side of things. I tidy up, make the house, what's been our home, presentable... I'm leaving enough of a mess behind me as it is.

I ready the laptop, Aaron's recorded messages on it, one to his mum, one to Paddy, and of course one to the police, he's thought of everything. There's a message on there for me too but I don't need to see it, I know what his words to me will be.

I leave several messages of my own, a long, loved-filled one to my mum, one to the police and the last one... well that's a short one and intended for all concerned. It's a heartfelt plea to lay Aaron and me together to rest... soulmates side by side for all eternity.

Finally, I'm ready, and I am more than ready now, the pain is becoming unbearable. I force down the bitter liquid. Like Aaron, I drink every last deadly drop. I have to be sure that when I close my eyes, I won't ever open them again.

With Aaron in my arms and memories of him in my head, I switch off the light, cloaking us both in a soothing darkness.

I close my eyes knowing that to many, what I've just done is unthinkable. It would have been to me at one time… but that was before I met Aaron, before I fell in love with him, before I lost my heart to him, before the very thought of living without him became unthinkable…

End


End file.
